


Unexpected Consequences

by Severina



Category: Oz (1997)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Community: hardtime100, Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-05
Updated: 2009-11-05
Packaged: 2017-10-09 16:52:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/89603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Severina/pseuds/Severina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Toby's not sure how it happened.  He just knows it absolutely wasn't the chicken nuggets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unexpected Consequences

**Author's Note:**

> Season Four.  
> Prompt 06: Pulling a Fontana (LJ's Hardtime100 Community) -- There is NO doubt that Tom Fontana created a truly groundbreaking show in Oz. There is also no doubt that he was sometimes smokin' the old crackpipe. He gave us a pill that miraculously aged those who took it (and de-aged them when that arc was done.) He gave us Chinese refugees housed in a federal prison. He gave us an ending for Chris that most certainly DID NOT HAPPEN. This challenge was about writing the most ridiculously crack-y plot you can think of. So. Here it is.  
> Dedicated to ozsaur.

Beecher sat up in bed and scrubbed at his eyes. The lights were out, but he could tell by the flurry of motion at the guard station outside the glass that they'd be flicking to life shortly. In the bunk below him, Keller shifted on the bed and snored.

The dream that had woken him was already fading, but he had to piss like a banshee. Beecher hopped lightly down from the bunk and padded silently to the toilet, eyes still mostly closed. He fumbled at the flap in his boxers and reached for his dick.

His hand stilled.

Then he groped frantically at his groin, slapping manically at his flesh.

Behind him, Keller rolled over. "What the fuck?" he muttered.

Beecher opened his eyes. Inclined his head and peered curiously down at his groin.

"Beecher, you jackin' off without me?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

Keller jumped up from the bed and rushed to his side, but Beecher didn't know that. He'd already fainted.

* * *

"Unbelievable."

"Doctor, do you have any idea--"

"Well, that's not something you see every day."

Beecher didn't want to open his eyes. By the foul odours he could already tell that he was in the infirmary. And by the voices, he could tell that -- whatever had happened -- it wasn't a dream.

He whimpered.

"Beecher?" Doctor Nathan. She'd always been nice to him. And she was pretty. He understood why Ryan had such a thing for her. He'd always kind of wanted to fuck her himself. Guess that wasn't going to happen now.

Oh God.

Beecher squinted his eyes shut tight and shook his head.

"Beecher," she said again. "I know you're scared. We just want to talk to you."

Talk. Beecher clutched at the blanket and considered. Nobody seemed to be running away in horror. There was no hysterical screaming. So... maybe he'd been mistaken. He _had_ been under a lot of stress since the lockdown ended. Maybe he didn't see what he thought he saw. Because what he saw was not possible. Right. Oh God.

Beecher opened his eyes.

Doctor Nathan stood at the side of the bed, her eyes wide and concerned. He took a deep breath and concentrated on her for a moment before taking in the rest of the gawkers. Ringing the bed were McManus, Warden Glynn, and Sister Pete. Father Ray stood behind Glynn, bopping around and trying desperately to see over his shoulder. There was LoPresti, smirking, and one of the Aryans from the mail room. And… was that the warden's secretary? What was her name… Floria?

He took another breath before turning away from the crowd and looking down at his body.

And there were… it was… oh God. Breasts. Large, firm, rotund breasts. Ohgodohgodohgod.

"Oh God," he moaned.

"Now Beecher," Doctor Nathan said calmly, "don't panic."

"Don't panic?" Beecher repeated. "DON'T PANIC? I'm a… does this mean--" He groped for the blankets, blindly trying to push them down from his body. Sister Pete reached out a steadying hand to stop him.

"You don't need to look, Tobias," she said. She swallowed. "The change has occurred… everywhere."

LoPresti's smirk got bigger. "Beecher," he sing-songed, "you have a vagina."

* * *

Ten minutes later, after Beecher had vomited twice and his throat was sore from all the screaming, he started listening to the ongoing conversation around him.

"What could possibly have caused this?" Sister Pete asked.

Beecher gritted his teeth. "I don't care what caused it," he grunted out. "I want it gone!"

"It's possible that it's an unknown side effect to the aging pill," Gloria said, ignoring him completely. "Though none of the male lab rats ever actually turned into females. I'm sure I would have noticed that in the report."

"Uh, Gloria?" McManus put in. "I feel like I should point out that we haven't actually tested the aging pill at this point in the storyline. In fact," he continued, "I don't think we've met Floria yet either."

Gloria frowned. "Work with me here, Tim."

"Right." McManus nodded. He nodded a hello to Floria, who smiled back. "So… uh… what's the next step?"

"I'll contact the Weigart Corporation," Gloria said. She turned to Beecher. "In the meantime, Beecher, you should just try to maintain your regular daily routine."

"Try to---" Beecher spluttered. "I turned into a woman overnight! FIX IT!"

She patted his hand half-heartedly. "I'll do everything I can. However, you may have to come to terms with this as a permanent condition."

Beecher yelped. "WHAT?"

"We'll have some extra counselling sessions," Sister Pete said soothingly.

"In the meantime," Warden Glynn said, "he can't go back to Emerald City looking like that. Those pants are falling off his hips."

Beecher smoothed a hand down his newly shapely body, and grimaced.

"Oh! I have a lovely little dress in my desk drawer," Floria said brightly. "Always pays to be prepared for any eventuality. It would look darling on you, Tobias."

Beecher hung his head.

* * *

The dress was deep blue, with a plunging neckline. Floria's extra shoes were all far too small, however, so Beecher shuffled along next to McManus still wearing his beat-up tennis shoes. Not only was he a woman, but his shoes didn't match his dress. The whole thing was horrifying.

"Just try to act normal," McManus advised as they approached Em City.

Beecher snorted, and only felt a little better when he saw that Keller was waiting for him inside the gate. He smoothed back his hair and awkwardly adjusted his hem.

"Chris," he said.

Keller's face was pale and his eyes were big and round and… okay…he looked like he might vomit. He squared his shoulders and set his jaw firmly before stepping up to Beecher's side.

Of course, all of Em City was out to ogle them as they made their way slowly across the quad.

Said approached solicitously. "I am truly sorry for your suffering, Beecher," he said.

Beecher nodded.

Said flicked a contemptuous glance at Keller before continuing. "However, I must caution you most strenuously against letting your baser instincts prevail during this difficult transition. Hold strong to your faith in--"

"Fuck off, Said," Keller growled.

"Yo, Beecher," Wangler said, pushing past Said and looking him up and down. "You is one uglyass woman."

"Hey Keller," someone else called out, "who's the bitch?"

Beecher whirled, hands clenched into fists and that vein in his forehead throbbing like a motherfucker. He searched angrily for the offender. "I'm nobody's bitch!" he snarled.

Keller placed a comforting hand on his arm. "Calm the fuck down, Beecher. I think he meant it literally."

"Oh." Beecher sighed. "All right then. He does have a point."

"Keller," Adebisi drawled. He flicked the ever-present walkman headphones from his ears, and licked his lips. "I give you fifty bucks for fifteen minutes with Beecher."

Keller looked to be considering it before he caught the horrified look on Beecher's face. He immediately schooled his own face into an expression of disgust. "Get the fuck away from us, Adebisi!" he snarled before throwing his arm around Beecher's waist and steering him toward the pod.

Once he got Beecher moving, he glanced back at Adebisi. He arched a brow and mouthed 'We'll talk later'.

Beecher only relaxed when the pod door hissed shut behind them. He dropped onto the lower bunk, buried his face in his hands, and moaned.

"Aw, Beech," Keller said. He leaned against the wall. "It's not that bad."

"Not that bad?" Beecher repeated dully. "I turned into a woman overnight." He looked up wearily, and realized that he'd sprawled on the bunk like a… well, like a man. He quickly pushed his knees together and crossed his legs primly.

"Well… yeah," Keller conceded. "But on the plus side, that's a real nice dress." He tried for a smile. "Brings out the colour in your eyes."

"How would you know?" Beecher snapped. "You haven't stopped looking at my tits!"

"Sorry, Beech," Keller said. He cocked his head. "I think they're even bigger than Miss Sally's."

"Not helping!"

"Okay, okay." Keller scrubbed a hand across his jaw. "Do they have any idea how this happened?" When Beecher hesitated, Keller's eyes narrowed. "You know somethin'."

"N- No."

Keller pushed away from the wall. "It's the chicken nuggets, isn't it?"

"No--"

"They put somethin' in the chicken nuggets--"

"It's not the chicken nuggets!" Beecher yelled.

"Then what is it?" Keller yelled back. He crossed the room and pulled Beecher roughly to his feet. "Is it going to happen to all of us, Beecher?"

"I don't--"

""Cause I can't lose my dick," Keller said frantically.

"I--"

"I _like_ my dick!"

Beecher suddenly realized how close Keller had pulled him in. His new, round breasts were pushed up against Keller's chest, and the feeling was… not entirely unpleasant. He squirmed a little, watched as Keller's eyes widened in surprise, and then let his hand drop casually to Keller's ass. He squeezed.

"I like your dick, too," Beecher said.

He was sure that Doctor Nathan was doing all she could to find a solution. And until then… well. The best thing he could do for his peace of mind was deal with the situation as best he could. Right.

"Beech?" Keller said hesitantly.

Beecher smiled. "Hey, Keller," he said, "how long until lights out?"


End file.
